Sloping down and then back up, like a speeding truck, I am searching for your love. Transubstantiate, lift then push, then go all out, a mystery solved, doubts soothed, memories calmed, nightmares called what they are. Do you dream at night? I do. I fly through the sky on my back, steering with my feet. Trial size.
Tag: thoughts
Negative
Sometimes I feel
Like I’m going to burst.
I think of the outcome
That is the worst.
I cry inside
Because it’s not safe
In my mind’s
Emotional landscape.
Tears well up
Upon my lids.
They overflow,
The reality is.
Sometimes I break down,
To nothing special.
A mood, a thought,
I always mess up.
In the end,
I know that I
Am not alone,
So, I just sigh.
Both Ways
Sharing smothered thoughts,
Restricted feelings abound.
Hesitation rules the imagination,
Hiding from the truth,
Although it tortures me.
Yearning for stability,
Some kind of consistency.
If only I could have it both ways!
Truth in Love
Heavy thoughts
And sinking feelings
Got me caught up
In a sea of sadness.
I wish she knew,
Only a good friend
Tells the truth,
Even when you
Don’t want to hear it,
Even when you
Don’t believe it.
Someone who cares
Doesn’t lie to your face
Just to make you feel good.
It’s hard to be that
Kind of friend,
Because you risk
The friendship.
But if you lie,
There’s no friendship
To lose.
So True
Moving towards you, in a roundabout
Sort of way. I feel the weight of my fear.
No, Mom and Dad didn’t tell me how to
Speak confidently, converse about things
Like interests and hobbies, to discuss the
Issues of the day. So, what is important
To you? I want to know, so true.
Ouch
When I turn my eyes in your general
Direction, and rest my gaze on your face
Or body, just for a moment; and in that
Moment, you catch my eye with yours,
Do you wonder what’s going through my
Head, what I’m feeling, why I’m looking?
I wish I knew. But it just happens. Ouch.
Darkness
Some people are pretty positive.
They look on the bright side.
It doesn’t matter how bad,
They will find something good.
This is, I think, a great way to be.
It is a straight way to happiness.
The only problem with it is
They are not prepared.
Sometimes life does not treat you well.
Sometimes things happen that are unexpected.
And sometimes life changes you.
Life can change you from a positive person
To someone who looks down every alley,
Wondering at every shadow.
And if you come to this crossroads,
Beware thoughts that come in the night.
If darkness finds you, it will hold on tight.
It will not be easy to shake it off.
For you have been through something
That has changed you forever.
You will doubt, and you will fear.
You will become something
That you may have run from
All of your life.
(Carry on Tuesday #108)
Sometimes I Freak, Part III
Sometimes I freak when I go to church. When you step into a church somehow you feel like you should be on your best behavior. That’s not really a Godly feeling or sentiment, since I believe that God accepts us exactly as we are, wherever we are, but that is how I was raised. In fact, growing up, my mother was ruthless in spurring me and my brother to get ready and stop goofing around on Sunday morning. What was important was looking good by being on time, behaving well, answering questions intelligently and in a spiritual way—basically, putting on a front. Lord knows my family was falling apart at the seams in every way, with my grandmother passing away, my parents’ separation and eventual divorce, and my mother’s undiagnosed mental illness. All was not well in the Bowman household. And those feelings come back to me today as I step through the doors of a church, any church, even one as positive, inclusive and accepting as mine. I wonder what deviant thoughts people suspect me of (well, actually, I am quite the skeptic), what deviant acts I am guilty of that separate me from other Christians and from God, what rebellion I am in that alienates me from the same. Going to church is something I want to do, but at the same time, I do struggle with these things every time, and it compromises my experience on the whole.
Sometimes I freak when I try to pray. Yes, God and I are not on the best of terms—haven’t been for a long time. In fact, except for when I pray with others—my wife at the dinner table and the occasional attempt at a weekly prayer partnership, my male prayer partner, something I initiated this year as an attempt to get closer to God because of my lack of an intimate relationship, and the occasional prayer with my Sunday School class and with the congregation in the sanctuary—I am not on speaking terms with God. I know after that enumeration of instances it doesn’t sound bad, but I guess I am a perfectionist, and I realize how far I am from any kind of daily routine which would bring me into any kind of genuine intimacy with God. Being alone with God is a frightening experience for me. Feelings of emotional and physical abuse from childhood along with visions of an angry Yahweh of the Old Testament conjure a being to be faced that is not the loving, caring Jesus that spoke to the disciples in the upper room that fateful night and told them that when we see him we have seen the Father, because he and the Father are one. When it’s just me and God (and I have to admit it is always the vengeful Father that I envision in my mind, not the gentle Jesus), I just freeze up. Gone are the soothing thoughts of “come to me ye who are weary, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light”. Instead it is a booming God that stares down at me and demands to know every sin I have committed and has come to punish me for them in some crazy sadistic way that makes me cringe and from which I yearn to escape. Not a great relationship, obviously.
Sometimes I freak when I open the Bible. I’ll admit, it’s intimidating. Yes, there is a lot of wisdom there. Yes, I believe it is divinely inspired. Yes, I believe there is potential for healing, instruction, direction, inspiration, grace, forgiveness—all that. But you know what else there is? God. He is there, waiting, behind those words. For what? I don’t know. But the potential scares me. I have read the entire Bible many times over, and if there is one thing I know for sure, there is power behind those words. And the thought of being overpowered, perhaps in a scary way, is what keeps me from those words. I have been overpowered, many times, in absolute terror, and I have run from figures of authority, figures who were supposed to be trustworthy caretakers, symbols of love and support, that have turned on me like a viper lunging for its prey. Is God like that? My intellect tells me no, but my heart, and my body, are not so sure. After all, if humans, blood, family, can be tyrannical, how much more can God? And there is something else—God is all powerful. Do I want to surrender myself to an all powerful tyrant? Do I want his thoughts to be my thoughts? No, not by a long shot.
Reaching Out
Reaching out takes reaching in
For something stable, something strong.
Sharing of feelings, thoughts and struggles
Takes strength, trust, and bravery.
Those who always keep their heart
Closed tighter than a coffin,
Buried six feet under a swaggering attitude
And a big bright smile,
Don’t really know what it’s like
To connect, to hold another’s heart
In your hand, gently, oh so gently
And give it back when they are ready.
To give healing, and to receive it back,
There must be two persons willing to risk
A broken heart, a cold shoulder, a deadly stare.
To risk rejection is not easy, and it is not done
Lightly, or carelessly, when it is really done.
To give another something you hold dear,
If only for a moment, is like risking a fortune,
And takes more fortitude. But the gamble
Is for wonders immeasurable,
Jewels much more precious:
Understanding, acceptance, compassion.
These treasures are priceless.
Stumbling along the sidewalk 