A “normal” day
Is an unusual occurrence
For those of us
But if our meds
Are doing what they’re supposed to,
And drama is kept to a minimum,
We might find ourselves
Having a normal day.
I had a normal day today,
And it felt good.
Not so stressful
As a typical day,
I wasn’t anxious
Like I usually am.
I was just me,
Almost like a normal person.
Sharing smothered thoughts,
Restricted feelings abound.
Hesitation rules the imagination,
Hiding from the truth,
Although it tortures me.
Yearning for stability,
Some kind of consistency.
If only I could have it both ways!
Searching for that connection.
Where is he? She? It?
Where or who is God,
When I am here, in this broken
Body, groveling before the pain
Of existence, desperate for some
Type of relief, some release
From the slavery of my body?
My heart aches. My soul cries out
For mercy, but where is my God?
Where is that freedom, that grace,
That hope, that love, that I once knew?
Where is my identity in Christ?
Where is my savior?
All I know right now is suffering.
Is that you, Lord?
Am I meeting you where you are,
Where you were on that cross?
And if so, what will be the victory?
What great battle is going on?
Is my soul the battleground?
Is my heart the prize?
Is this what it takes to bring me
Back into your fold?
To break me, mold me,
Shape me into something beautiful?
But I have been here before.
I have been broken.
Must I be continually broken
In pain and suffering?
What are you trying to teach me?
And where are you taking me now?
Deep down, I dig to the bottom.
What lies in this hidden depth?
Fear, grief, rage, confusion…
It rocks my reason, clouds my vision.
But what is the answer?
Where is the road out of this darkened wood?
Is it faith? Trust? Logic? Courage? Peace?
Is Love the answer? Where will it take me?
Right now everything is scary.
I feel caught in a cage,
In chains, buried deep underneath
Miles of ground, isolated by time,
Place, and no relationships that bring
Relief, connection, revelation, peace.
Anxiety rules the roost, it conquers all.
Fear is my father, abandonment is my mother.
Rage is my brother, grief is my sister.
This is my family. My friends are shadows,
Ghosts in a mist that only evaporate in my
Hands when I reach out to hold their hands.
I am lost in my mirrors, erroring in my program,
Nothing makes sense, nothing works.
What is the truth? Who is my savior?
From where does my salvation come?