Rewind and Undo

Divorce symbol in genogram
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In my head I paint a picture

Of some day walking free.

All my hang-ups and delusions

Laying in a pile behind me.

 

In my head I paint a picture

Of no more medication.

No more need to medicate

No more side-effects.

 

In my head I paint a picture

Of family bonds and closeness

No more driving forever to get there.

No more procrastinating that phone call.

 

In my head I paint a picture

Of what my family might have been

Had love and understanding been the rule

Instead of fear and loathing.

 

In my head I paint a picture

Of foolish decisions unmade.

Broken relationships mended.

Hurtful words unsaid.

 

In my head I paint a picture

Of all the things that I regret

Somehow never happening

And I can sleep better after that.

 

 

 

Carry on Tuesday #115

Can I Please, Please, Please Borrow a Dollar?”

Probable photograph of William Shakespeare, ci...
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  “Neither a borrower nor a lender be.”

 William Shakespeare

 

This is a cynical philosophy, and yet it is based on a truth that we call can learn from life experience.  The act of borrowing compromises our integrity because we loan out our reputation and dignity to another person by, first, admitting that we need something enough to promise to return it, thus establishing an attachment to the lender which is potentially unhappy, since there is a good chance, life being what it is, that we will not be able to make good on our promise, thus allowing our reputation and dignity to sink even lower.

 

Being a lender is the flip side of this situation, but with a twist.  A lender is someone who gives, but expects back.  He might put a timetable on the return, and he might charge a fee or interest.  This inevitably makes the borrower resentful, even if everything is on the up and up.  It might be honest on both sides, but the situation itself creates the tension.  No matter which side you’re on, the results cannot be good.

 

Carry on Tuesday #114

 

Little I Ask

The Idiot

Prince Mueschken,

In Dostoyevky’s The Idiot,

Was so humble,

He never presumed to ask

For anything, even what

He desperately needed.

 

The poem, “Contentment”,

By Oliver Wendell Holmes,

Says, “Little I ask, my wants are few.”

 

Sometimes I’m that way.

I do and do for others,

And never think of myself.

I don’t think of my needs,

 

No matter how important.

This goes past humility

Into self-hatred, I think.

Into stupidity, such a shame.

 

 

Carry on Tuesday plus #113

 

Faithfully Disappointed

Tried and true,

Follower and leader,

One for the cause,

Always in the mix.

 

Looking for revelations

Confirming prayers

Teaching, singing,

Prophesying, discerning.

 

Full of faith,

Depending on hope,

Demonstrating love.

And concluding…

 

Is that all there is?

 

 

 

Carry on Tuesday #111

Loving

Sometimes people float into

Our lives, and they stay a while.

 

You don’t know how long

They will be there.

 

Sometimes you become friends,

Due to common interests,

Or common experience.

 

And sometimes that friendship

Blooms into something more.

 

Sometimes you really care

About each other,

 

And sometimes, you fall in love.

 

From there, at least for a while,

Things sometimes go nicely,

 

But often, one or the other

Brings the sting of pain

 

Into the relationship.

And from there,

 

The relationship is tested.

Can the love withstand

 

The pain, or is there

Reason to break?

 

Such is the path,

That some tread lightly,

 

And some go through

Full-force, future-be-damned.

 

Either way,

Sometimes love is fickle,

 

And sometimes love

Turns into war.

 

One never knows

What to expect,

 

When one falls in love.

 

 

 

Carry on Tuesday #110

Nothing Anymore

I came close,

Or at least I thought.

 

I prayed.

I read the Bible.

 

I went to church.

I worshipped “Someone”

 

Whom I believed to be God.

I “fellowshipped” with other believers,

 

Or I tried, anyway.

I read devotional books,

 

Yearning to improve

My spiritual relationships.

 

Over the years, it happened,

Slipping through my fingers,

 

I lost touch, I lost Him,

Then, nothing.

 

 

Carry on Tuesday #109

 

Darkness

Some people are pretty positive.

They look on the bright side.

It doesn’t matter how bad,

They will find something good.

 

This is, I think, a great way to be.

It is a straight way to happiness.

The only problem with it is

They are not prepared.

 

Sometimes life does not treat you well.

Sometimes things happen that are unexpected.

And sometimes life changes you.

Life can change you from a positive person

 

To someone who looks down every alley,

Wondering at every shadow.

And if you come to this crossroads,

Beware thoughts that come in the night.

 

If darkness finds you, it will hold on tight.

It will not be easy to shake it off.

For you have been through something

That has changed you forever.

 

You will doubt, and you will fear.

You will become something

That you may have run from

All of your life.

 

 

(Carry on Tuesday #108)