I had more thoughts about suicide today. What it would be like to just disappear. Again, more romanticizing of it. How shocked everyone at work would be. What my wife would do. How everyone would feel sorry for me, sorry for my wife, sorry for themselves. What would my brother’s kids think and feel? I’m sure life would be more of a challenge for them. My poor Dad. As if he hasn’t had enough loss. And my mom, could she hold it together? So much drama. And maybe that’s why it fascinates me. Suddenly, in ending my life, it actually gains significance, people who don’t seem to pay much attention are now attentive. And what if I overdose, but I don’t die? What if I end up in the mental hospital? Perhaps it would be good to go there first. How do you know if you need to admit yourself? Is it worth waiting and risking impulsive acts occurring? I don’t have a plan, but I’m struggling. I just feel so insignificant.
Today I contemplated suicide for a little while. I thought how easy it would be to overdose on all the pills I have. Knowing me, I’d probably just get really sick. But it seems so easy and overdosing seems on first impression like a pretty painless way to go. It’s funny because I like my life right now, for the most part. Sure, I still get uncomfortable sometimes, but overall I think I’m in a pretty good place. I guess it’s because I watched a movie this weekend that showed it very subtly and made it almost matter of fact. Nothing gruesome, no blood, just a quick ending. And it almost seemed romantic, like Romeo and Juliet. But then I snapped back to reality. What would it do to those who love me? It would be very painful to a lot of people, especially my wife and my parents. No, it would be wrong. And I am gradually putting my life back together after leaving my job and going on disability. I have a bright future ahead. I have to keep reminding myself where I was a couple years ago. In bed, in tears, in agony, not accomplishing anything. I’ve come a long way. Actually looking forward to tomorrow.
Did you, too?
Have you been there?
Do you, really?
I’m glad you’re here.
I’m glad I’M here.
This is work.
I want to get better.
I wish I could sleep.
I sleep too much.
I’m ready to commit to that.
I’m ready to quit.
I trust you.
Thank you for being there for me.
A light twinkles
In the distance;
It is my hope,
Fragile, yet strong.
Will a big gust of wind
Blow out my candle?
I am protected
By many walls:
Friends and helpers.
That gust of wind
Can blow if it must,
But my light will not
I will use
The tools I’ve been given.
I will continue the struggle,
And I will win.
Careful one means cautious two for you.
So much to chat about but not the will to
Chat. How was yours? Mine was fine.
Hope you are well. Being well is half the
Battle. Sometimes soft, soothing songs.
Knowledge sex intertwine exchange
Merely showing off catch cling walk
Togetherness ideas dreams whisper
Calling grown up respect beliefs wait
Yelling expression argument curse
Do you wonder how I feel?
I want to curl up in a ball.
Go to sleep and never wake up,
Except I don’t live in a vacuum.
There are family and friends,
My wife, of course,
At the top of the list.
If I left the state of things
Would be grim, full of sin,
You look so thin!
You look so nothing,
So drab, so flat.
You look like you’re losing
All your fat!
You are mine and I am yours.
Made for each other
In heaven, by George.
We’ll go out together
Or maybe you first.
That’s the way you want it,
I don’t know what I’d do
Wrestle dust balls from the shelf.
There’s much to look forward to
In this life.
But I can’t remember
Any but strife.
There’s much to hope for,
Much to dream,
But all I want to do
We’ll make it.
Don’t you worry.
There’ll be lots of fun and flurry.
We will gather all around.
We won’t stop for any sound.
Come with me to the holy gate.
Promise I won’t be irate.
We’ll enjoy your company.
We’ll be sure to bend our knees,
Jumping off the side of the boat,
In the castle’s shallow moat.
Miles of smiles cramp my style.
I sing because I’m drunk, I say.
Nothing to worry about.
The same old message, coming clean.
The same old, same old everything.
Can you tell I’d rather be there?
Can you see the when and the where?
I care about her much,
All her loved ones and such.
I am just not in synch.
I’m trailing badly. That’s what I think.
If you’ve got a bit of luck,
You can help me get unstuck.
If you think that there is hope
I’ll be gliding down a slope.
I will trust the good God’s keeping.
You won’t catch me if I’m weeping.
I’ll make sure there is a gift.
It’s such a thrill. My face will lift.
We’ll provide a settlement.
Would you like a candy spearmint?
Happy knowledge spins a carriage.
Pumpkin cheeks smile upon you.
Loving words and soothing touches
Caress the soft skin and feed if hungry.
Watch him grow he’s getting so big!
Nothing but a joy to live.
Rocking chair gets lots of use.
Writing poems for your new muse.
Happy, yes, happy, yes, happy.
Moving towards you, in a roundabout
Sort of way. I feel the weight of my fear.
No, Mom and Dad didn’t tell me how to
Speak confidently, converse about things
Like interests and hobbies, to discuss the
Issues of the day. So, what is important
To you? I want to know, so true.