Knowledge sex intertwine exchange
Merely showing off catch cling walk
Togetherness ideas dreams whisper
Calling grown up respect beliefs wait
Yelling expression argument curse
Tag: depression
Waiting for a Miracle
Drooping flower hangs over.
The rain is so heavy.
No new blooms today.
Soil is contaminated,
Roots are exposed.
Reaching up for sunlight.
Climbing to the sky.
Once the weather was nice.
Once the ground was fertile.
Now it’s just rocks and used up dirt.
No nutrients to feed the plant.
But hope remains.
The rain will bathe
The thirsty leaves.
The sun will shine.
There is a miracle coming soon.
Trust
Rasping, coughing,
Breathing deep.
Crushing, drowning,
How I weep.
Lift my spirit
With your Spirit,
Living God of the ages.
I will trust your gentle hand.
I will hope for the promised land.
You will save me,
Hold me, keep me.
You are always faithful.
Bend Your Knees!
Do you wonder how I feel?
I want to curl up in a ball.
Go to sleep and never wake up,
Except I don’t live in a vacuum.
There are family and friends,
My wife, of course,
At the top of the list.
If I left the state of things
Would be grim, full of sin,
And everything.
You look so thin!
You look so nothing,
So drab, so flat.
You look like you’re losing
All your fat!
You are mine and I am yours.
Made for each other
In heaven, by George.
We’ll go out together
Or maybe you first.
That’s the way you want it,
On earth.
I don’t know what I’d do
With myself.
Wrestle dust balls from the shelf.
There’s much to look forward to
In this life.
But I can’t remember
Any but strife.
There’s much to hope for,
Much to dream,
But all I want to do
Is scream.
We’ll make it.
Don’t you worry.
There’ll be lots of fun and flurry.
We will gather all around.
We won’t stop for any sound.
Come with me to the holy gate.
Promise I won’t be irate.
We’ll enjoy your company.
We’ll be sure to bend our knees,
Jumping off the side of the boat,
In the castle’s shallow moat.
Making Peace
Miles of smiles cramp my style.
I sing because I’m drunk, I say.
Nothing to worry about.
The same old message, coming clean.
The same old, same old everything.
Can you tell I’d rather be there?
Can you see the when and the where?
I care about her much,
All her loved ones and such.
I am just not in synch.
I’m trailing badly. That’s what I think.
If you’ve got a bit of luck,
You can help me get unstuck.
If you think that there is hope
I’ll be gliding down a slope.
I will trust the good God’s keeping.
You won’t catch me if I’m weeping.
I’ll make sure there is a gift.
It’s such a thrill. My face will lift.
We’ll provide a settlement.
Would you like a candy spearmint?
Closing In
Crawling under, torn asunder.
Beloved stolen, booming thunder.
Please excuse the mighty cry.
Nothing proven, when you died.
Angels gliding through the air.
I won’t suffer. I don’t care.
Vivid memories closing in.
Wasting away, growing thin.
What’s the difference if I go?
What’s the point of to and fro?
I just want a soothing moment.
I just want a second chance.
Only we can see the answer.
Only you can keep the balance.
Trial Size
Sloping down and then back up, like a speeding truck, I am searching for your love. Transubstantiate, lift then push, then go all out, a mystery solved, doubts soothed, memories calmed, nightmares called what they are. Do you dream at night? I do. I fly through the sky on my back, steering with my feet. Trial size.
Negative
Sometimes I feel
Like I’m going to burst.
I think of the outcome
That is the worst.
I cry inside
Because it’s not safe
In my mind’s
Emotional landscape.
Tears well up
Upon my lids.
They overflow,
The reality is.
Sometimes I break down,
To nothing special.
A mood, a thought,
I always mess up.
In the end,
I know that I
Am not alone,
So, I just sigh.
Both Ways
Sharing smothered thoughts,
Restricted feelings abound.
Hesitation rules the imagination,
Hiding from the truth,
Although it tortures me.
Yearning for stability,
Some kind of consistency.
If only I could have it both ways!
Mental, Part 3
Filling out all the paperwork once I was heavily medicated and in need of social services was a challenge. My dad helped me a lot with that as well as staying organized and getting my thoughts in order. He helped me apply for Dial-a-Ride, which was a must for appointments, since sometimes I couldn’t drive.
…
When I was in the hospital and they were trying to figure out what to do with me, two options kept coming up: being referred to UF Health Shands and ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). After several months of no improvement, I asked my psychiatrist for a referral to Shands Psychiatric. That would mean a two and a half hour drive, and my appointments were usually late afternoon, which meant an overnight stay in a motel.
…
Shands had me seeing an intern, with consultation during each visit with a resident doctor. They put me on trazadone for sleep, which helped a lot. Just before I had transferred to Shands my psychiatrist put me on perphenazine, an antipsychotic that would also help with sleep. I tried Shands for about six months, then I started thinking about ECT and going back to my local psychiatrist.
…
I did a consultation with the ECT doctor and he mentioned Buspirone, which is a non addictive anxiety med. He approved me for ECT, and Jackie’s Mom and my Dad volunteered to be drivers, coming from out of town and staying in our guest bedroom, switching off each week. After the 14th treatment, my memory had taken a plunge and I was still depressed. The doctor recommended stopping there.
…
I went back to my regular psychiatrist and since the ECT doctor had taken me off the anticonvulsants, Depakote and Gabapentine, they decided to try an old combination that had worked pretty well for a while, Zyprexa and Prozac (Olanzapine and Fluoxetine). Then he put me on Buspirone as well. I had been having mini anxiety attacks with a burning sensation all over my body and my body shook when talking about thoughts and emotions. The Buspirone stopped all that, along with a three times daily dose of propanolol, another anxiety med that I had been on since Shands.
…
We asked my shrink about memory loss. He suggested referring me to a neurologist. I went to see the neurologist, and he put me through a bunch of tests and memory function was very low, so he started me on a dose of Donepezil. After two months he tested me again and I went from a 70 to a 100 out of 130. He declared it a success.
…
Back in the Fall of 2017, I started the legal administrative specialist program at Lively Technical School. I had a hard time with the memorization at first, but by the Spring semester I went from D’s and F’s on quizzes, to A’s and B’s. I was very encouraged by my progress. Vocational Rehab was paying for my tuition and books, and after two rejections my SSDI case went to a hearing and I was approved, just as my long term disability coverage was about to run out.
…
That November my grandmother passed away and a month later I found my friend Curt dead in his house. He had a bad infection in his legs and his body went into sepsis. When I found him all the lights in the house were off and he was laying face up on the floor in his bedroom, with his eyes and mouth wide open. It was a little unsettling, to say the least.
Stumbling along the sidewalk 