Sloping down and then back up, like a speeding truck, I am searching for your love. Transubstantiate, lift then push, then go all out, a mystery solved, doubts soothed, memories calmed, nightmares called what they are. Do you dream at night? I do. I fly through the sky on my back, steering with my feet. Trial size.
Tag: anxiety
Negative
Sometimes I feel
Like I’m going to burst.
I think of the outcome
That is the worst.
I cry inside
Because it’s not safe
In my mind’s
Emotional landscape.
Tears well up
Upon my lids.
They overflow,
The reality is.
Sometimes I break down,
To nothing special.
A mood, a thought,
I always mess up.
In the end,
I know that I
Am not alone,
So, I just sigh.
Ouch
When I turn my eyes in your general
Direction, and rest my gaze on your face
Or body, just for a moment; and in that
Moment, you catch my eye with yours,
Do you wonder what’s going through my
Head, what I’m feeling, why I’m looking?
I wish I knew. But it just happens. Ouch.
Changes
I used to be concerned with
How much I did,
Or how much I didn’t do,
Evaluating whether or not
I was up to snuff
With my own priorities,
And of course,
Whether or not
I kept my wife happy.
Lately, things have
Taken a different turn.
Since my body
Has seen fit
To rebel against me,
And my doctor
Doesn’t seem able
To reign things in,
My priorities have
Changed quite a bit.
In fact, the term
“priorities” doesn’t
Seem to fit anymore,
Not for how most
People think about it.
My biggest priority
Is my medicine.
That’s not a new one,
At least on the surface,
Since I’ve had bipolar
For over 15 years,
And been taking meds
For just as long.
But now it makes
An immediate,
Drastic difference.
And the long-term risk
Without it,
Is terrifying.
It’s like food
And water.
And the third need,
Common to all of us,
But more drastic for me,
Is sleep. More specifically,
I have to keep my sleep
In order. I have to take
A strong round of meds
Throughout the day,
And then really
Pulverize my mind
With meds
At the end of the day,
Just so I can sleep.
And I have to start
A methodic relaxation,
Early, despite being
A night person.
Otherwise,
I will not be getting up
For work in the a.m.
Obviously,
Things have changed
A little bit.
(Poetic Asides
“Priorities”)
Digging for Truth
Deep down, I dig to the bottom.
What lies in this hidden depth?
Fear, grief, rage, confusion…
It rocks my reason, clouds my vision.
But what is the answer?
Where is the road out of this darkened wood?
Is it faith? Trust? Logic? Courage? Peace?
Is Love the answer? Where will it take me?
Right now everything is scary.
I feel caught in a cage,
In chains, buried deep underneath
Miles of ground, isolated by time,
Place, and no relationships that bring
Relief, connection, revelation, peace.
Anxiety rules the roost, it conquers all.
Fear is my father, abandonment is my mother.
Rage is my brother, grief is my sister.
This is my family. My friends are shadows,
Ghosts in a mist that only evaporate in my
Hands when I reach out to hold their hands.
I am lost in my mirrors, erroring in my program,
Nothing makes sense, nothing works.
What is the truth? Who is my savior?
From where does my salvation come?
Stumbling along the sidewalk 