Coasting comfortably on the caress of clouds.
Reaching for meaning in every breath.
Thinking of the crowd of witnesses,
Their tender hands outstretched with love.
Is there truth that surpasses understanding?
Is there hope amidst these evil days?
I count the steps to reach your door,
Yearning for rest, bidding to journey no more.
Only a promise from the precious few
Can treat the soreness of a broken soul.
Come, join the chorus, summoning grace
From the bright heavens above.
Laying on the grass,
I summon your spirit back to me.
Can you feel the blast
Of the chilly winter wind?
Come with me to the end
Just wind up your mind
And let it all go.
Do you feel the change of pace
Echoing through this silly place?
Empty screams echo off the walls
Of my simple soul, at night. It crawls.
The weeds from my garden
Creep up my legs. They twist around
My knocking knees. I count the cries
I hear in my head. I can’t imagine
What’s filled me with dread.
I don’t know if I’m alive or dead.
Give unto me some wine and bread.
Blast roach sting collide quarrel link pill
Pocket zilch fuse dynamite dam railroad
Mountains overdose gun blade blood if
Too much to drink try livid exploded can
Hell past insignificant rush salt bash up
I had more thoughts about suicide today. What it would be like to just disappear. Again, more romanticizing of it. How shocked everyone at work would be. What my wife would do. How everyone would feel sorry for me, sorry for my wife, sorry for themselves. What would my brother’s kids think and feel? I’m sure life would be more of a challenge for them. My poor Dad. As if he hasn’t had enough loss. And my mom, could she hold it together? So much drama. And maybe that’s why it fascinates me. Suddenly, in ending my life, it actually gains significance, people who don’t seem to pay much attention are now attentive. And what if I overdose, but I don’t die? What if I end up in the mental hospital? Perhaps it would be good to go there first. How do you know if you need to admit yourself? Is it worth waiting and risking impulsive acts occurring? I don’t have a plan, but I’m struggling. I just feel so insignificant.
Today I contemplated suicide for a little while. I thought how easy it would be to overdose on all the pills I have. Knowing me, I’d probably just get really sick. But it seems so easy and overdosing seems on first impression like a pretty painless way to go. It’s funny because I like my life right now, for the most part. Sure, I still get uncomfortable sometimes, but overall I think I’m in a pretty good place. I guess it’s because I watched a movie this weekend that showed it very subtly and made it almost matter of fact. Nothing gruesome, no blood, just a quick ending. And it almost seemed romantic, like Romeo and Juliet. But then I snapped back to reality. What would it do to those who love me? It would be very painful to a lot of people, especially my wife and my parents. No, it would be wrong. And I am gradually putting my life back together after leaving my job and going on disability. I have a bright future ahead. I have to keep reminding myself where I was a couple years ago. In bed, in tears, in agony, not accomplishing anything. I’ve come a long way. Actually looking forward to tomorrow.
Lovely pounce prone leave caught outer
Slack blue tenderloin strange cheese lot
Breeze callous vented cocoon hellions
Kite goose burping delighted juke taste
Pilot route raspy weather bebop cruise
Do you feel the pain?
It starts in your feet,
Goes up your leg,
Then shoots up your chest,
And out to your fingertips.
The Cadillac roasts popsicles
And toasts the bonnet around eggs.
Plus ants freeze yell fears.
Hooters have three hellos on ramps.
Jugular rimmed theaters on jackals.
Fleas ready yearly therefore fruit slab ol’
Step harbor tres leches yak vent reached
Pollen toward reference goats huge mess
Hut clothes remanence jester bullhorn it
Plaque frack green gallant frost gulls fun
Jelly call below knees nap ventricle ones
Pointed goose boost freezer police fierce
Plug thread ward youth fuse plotted isle
Meandering hutch flock gross cheese go
Pluck tray freedom these listed ghost ill