Author: Gordon S. Bowman III

I walked out my front door and BAM! An aircraft carrier dropped out of the sky onto the houses and yards across the street! I was baffled. Stupefied. I felt like eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or a hamburger, whichever I saw first. So, I went to my neighbor’s swimming pool and I jumped in. That’s when I realized, there was a poison gas spreading around my neighborhood! So, I wrestled an ostrich and got my ostrich saddle and put it on the ostrich. Then I hopped on and rode him all the way to California.

When I got there, I rented a giant turtle, and took a tour of San Francisco. I ate corn meal porridge, then jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was feeling kind of stuffy, so I swam across the Bay until I got tired. Then I borrowed a jet ski, but that was pretty tiring, too. So I crawled ashore then sunbathed for a few hours. That was how I came to be associated with red lobsters.

Suddenly, my teeth jumped out of my mouth and bit a Labrador retriever that was walking by, and I said that I refused to smoke a cigarette on the grounds that it may incriminate me. So I ate some pizza, then took a trolley ride and sang the rice-a-roni song while hiccuping until I puked. That was the last time I ever ate pizza. And I turned in my homework but got an F because it was late.

That’s when I realized that my house was on fire back in Florida. The police called me and told me they saved the house but all the pets escaped and they couldn’t be caught. Jackie was on Dialawait at the time, so she was fine. So I ate some saltine crackers and drank some seven up. My puking was over and I had a house to live in. I called Zeeb and he came back, then Charlie and Pumpkin showed up. I called Tandy too, and she eventually came running back.

So I rented a limousine and went to Timbuktu on an auto carrier. Then I traveled up to the moon in a rocket ship without anything to eat for several days. I was so hungry when I got back that I asked Jackie to bake one of her skillet apple pies, and I ate the whole thing in one sitting. Then I reached out for a taco and a sub sandwich, but I couldn’t reach them across the street. So I sat on my couch and cried, until Jackie brought me a Philly cheesesteak, then I was happy.

I colored in a few coloring books until Jackie said she was going to Eye Associates to see Dr Bui to have him do a cornea transplant. I told her I’d go with her and be there until and after the surgery. That’s when I realized I hadn’t eaten in a few minutes, so I called Papa Johns. Then I realized I couldn’t eat another pizza, so I hung up on them. I lost my appetite, so I decided to drive down to Davie to see my Dad and play a game of cribbage with him.

So then I ran back to Tallahassee and got on the minibus to China First. I had peanut chicken and lo mein and pork fried rice and General Tso’s chicken and beef and broccoli. That’s when I heard the ancient call of the snuffalupagus. I rang a bell, beat a drum, then took a deep breath. It was all I could do to not run like a Cadillac. So, I thought about it for a while, then came up with a plan. I’d sneer in to the bank while everyone was home sleeping and leave a roach motel under the commander’s chair. That was the best I could do in one day, at least until I had some coffee cake.