A Lonely Mission

Trust.

A mangled, twisted idea in my head.

Enveloped by madness,

Drowning in despair,

I don’t know it very well.

Cusp of confusion,

Trying to escape the illusions,

But fooled by so many delusions.

Angels in the side rooms,

But perhaps not.

Tying knots in my brain,

My spine cracked and broken.

Can I rise to the occasion?

Kicks in the backside

Make me want to cry out.

“Stop! Let me go, you ghosts!”

Heckling me from all directions,

Connecting me with witches and warlocks

Of the strained backwards messaging,

Hidden in all the lovely music

By which I am entertained.

I must find my way back

To the path of lonely existence,

The one full of resistance,

The journey that calls my soul,

Whether or not I feel

Like going up onto the the mountains,

Or descending to the valleys.

I am one who believes in a mission.

I am called to meet an expectation,

From those full of compassion.

I care about my calling,

Though sometimes I am unappreciated

Because it is not patterned

By the stuff that is established

By those who are recognized

As geniuses and experts

Of the kind that set the standards.

Can I make a mark of my own?

I can only believe in myself,

And the spirit that fills me,

Makes me full of satisfaction.

I can only know in my heart

I am on my own path,

The one I have created.

So I continue to whittle away

On this dirty limb of life.

Some day, some day.

Moving to the Sound of Our Souls

Contortionist movement

Deep down in my soul

Rises to the surface

Like a scary troll.

Bias and predeliction

Hang in a balance.

Tipsy-turvey intentions

Keep my feelings askance.

Self-awareness is a necessity

In this messed up world.

So common for us to fool

Ourselves into a heady swirl.

Lackadaisical temptations

Come with the territory.

American pastimes

Of sitting idly by.

We must stir ourselves

Into movement for change.

Summoning up the courage

To light a flame.

Can we find our true path

Amidst the thorny brush

Of lies and deceit

Coming to us in a rush?

A decision must be made

To follow through.

A commitment to reach

As high as the moon.

Discouraged as we are

From where we stand,

We must summon the courage

To rise higher than

Those gone before us,

As strong as they stand.

And far as we see

To a promised land,

Never looking back

With second thoughts.

Never wondering

With shoulda’s and nots.

We have a calling

To change this world.

It is now we must act,

In this fertile soil,

Full of manure

From all the B-S.

We must turn the tide

And clean up the mess.

Follow your dream,

Ye bold apostles!

Make the world clean,

By flexing your muscles.

You have the passion.

You know the truth.

The only thing left

Is to start to move.

The road that is laid

Right before you,

Is surely full of danger,

But I implore you,

Don’t stop now,

While you are ahead!

Never surrender

To the doubts in your head.

Stick to the plan,

As long as it takes.

Your efforts make a difference

To the human race!

Confusion

Darkness. A fuzzy, twisted, cloudy vision

Of today, yesterday and tomorrow.

What has happened, really?

Was it painful? Was I trapped, abused,

Tortured? Was it someone

That I deeply trusted? Do I still trust?

Where, when, how do I move on?

Life is hard, sometimes.

Summoning up the courage

Just to get out of bed,

Take my meds, face the world

One more time.

It’s a daily struggle.

Telling the truth,

No matter how difficult.

Facing the stigmas,

Pushing through all the social challenges,

Twists and turns of conversation,

Unrealistic expectations, doubts,

Skepticism, discrimination,

Hatred, condescending comments.

“Oh, but you just need to pray about it.”

“You just need to talk to a counselor,”

“Go to church,” “Get in God’s Word,”

“Repent from all your sin.”

Dementia, delusion, paranoia,

Nightmares, fear, discouragement.

It comes from all sides.

It closes me in. Can I make it through?

The lies bombard me

From every direction.

So hard to see the truth.

Damn, it is a hard road to tread.

Trusting My Reality

I don’t see him.

But I can feel him.

I am aware

Of his existence.

I am changed by him.

When I interact with him,

I sense that it he real.

How can I be sure

That he is not

A delusion?

How can I be sure

That he is not a lie?

I must trust my own perceptions,

My own intuition,

My own reality.

After all,

When you reduce life

To what it’s all about,

Where we get its meaning,

That is really

All we have to rely on.

What is true for me

May not be true for you.

My reality

May not be your reality,

And that’s okay.

We just accept it,

And move on.

Why dwell on our doubts?

Why question

What, for us,

Seems so real,

Just because

It is not real

For someone else?

We don’t have to

Prove ourselves

To anyone.

We don’t have to

Compare ourselves

To each other at all.

We just need to

Love each other

For exactly who

We present ourselves to be.

I am who I say I am,

As far as you are concerned.

Let’s just move on.

Have You Judged Me Lately?

How do you explain the unexplainable? How do I describe how something can be so true to me, even while it is a lie to you? Or perhaps, how something that seems so real to me at one time, years later can be a lie to even myself? Beliefs are a crazy thing, but doubts can be just as crazy, really. To one person, they both can seem very rational, but to another person, or even that same person, years later, they both can seem completely irrational.

Skeptics, of which I am one, can be very angry, or they can have a great sense of peace. Believers, of which I am one, can be very angry, or they can have a great sense of peace. I have a mix of both, like everyone else. Many things, I can be quite angry about, while others, I have a great peace about. On some days, even some parts of a particular day, I can be quite angry. And on other days, or other parts of another day, I can have a great sense of peace. Like some of my writings (not this one), my life is a collage of sorts. It is a mix of very different things, that when presented together, present a complex picture of a complex existence, which is how everyone is. No one can be summed up in one word. Everyone you meet is a very complex individual, unique, different from everyone else. Even people who have much in common, and who may present themselves as very similar to those around them, when you really get to know them, you see that they are indeed complex, just because no two people’s lives are exactly the same, and we all have a unique and interesting story to tell.

Although I know that I am as guilty as anyone else at doing it, we all could use to judge each other less for our similarities or differences, and more for our character. Less for our superficial selves, and the superficial categories that we conveniently place each other in, and more for who we are deep down inside. I hope that one day we all will see how knowing each other this deeply takes more than a lifetime. I hope that one day we will accept how impossible it is for any of us to be able to justifiably sit in judgement of another person. Really, think about how hard it is for any of us to know another person that well. Think about how we can still be surprised about someone that we thought we knew so well. We really don’t know how capable each of us is of doing so much evil, or so much good.

My Experience, Perception and Understanding of God

Feelings tend to either illuminate or cloud the vision. There doesn’t seem to be much in-between. I sometimes attribute feelings to God, but I have no proof, just an intuition, and possibly personal reasons, based on a theory that God is a personal God and can either read minds or is extremely observant, or both. Also, that God is all-powerful, and can influence all the forces of the universe, when he (or she) wants to. Sometimes when I have strong feelings, I focus better to write. But the cause of those feelings might be quite negative, even tragic. I certainly don’t believe God made bad things happen, just so I could write something good.

I am torn about the Bible, as well as other religious scriptures. Some days they seem more real, and some days they don’t. Some times, especially difficult times, I have my doubts. But eventually I come full circle. I believe that God can speak to us through religious scriptures, but I also believe he can speak to us through other people, other books, personal writings, art, nature and experiences in general.

I believe that the universe was created, is constantly being re-created and is controlled by God. I don’t know why, it’s just how I was raised, what the church taught me, and what I read about in the Bible. For many, that is enough, but to many others, that is wrong. To them, and some times to me, there is much wrong with the Bible, as there is the church. Some think it is just a matter of interpretation, but others think certain parts are just wrong. Still others think we don’t need it at all, so why worry with it? It is just a book to them, like any other, written a long time ago, in another culture far different from ours, and then canonized by old white men, reflecting their unique biases and prejudices.

So far, I left out one (to some) more obvious way of experiencing God. That is prayer. Other than thanksgiving, and prayers for things that I’m sure God supports, because they are virtues that were part of the character of Jesus, I hesitate quite a bit in prayer. I will pray for things like grace, peace, joy, compassion, love, generosity, etc., but I will not pray for material things, conditional things, temporary things, etc. Those are things of this world, and as such, I don’t believe they should be prayed for, except possibly in the most extreme circumstances.

I do thank God for blessings, but I feel uncomfortable about it, because it is very superficial.  Mostly, when something happens that scares the heck out of me, and it is quite clear that I could have been seriously injured, or even killed, I thank him for saving me. I feel stupid doing it, but I have no other thoughts. That’s just what automatically comes to mind. I know it may seem silly, and some just call it luck. I don’t know.

So, I guess I do see an experience of God happening in my life. I can’t prove it, and it is all a very subjective perception. Nothing objective, that can be measured or tested. My perception is based on a good amount of religious conditioning throughout my life. My understanding is sometimes based on the presence or lack of emotions in my body, my readings in the Bible, readings in other books, teachings from others, mostly in the church, art, nature and other experiences. My experience of all those things is based on a very selective “cherry-picking”, if you will. I take what I want, and leave the rest. I don’t know how true it is, but it works for me. It keeps me going. It inspires me, if you will. Maybe one day someone will discover how one can objectively quantify and measure subjective experiences like that. Until then, as long as it works for me, I imagine I will continue doing it.

Quantum Husband

Accelerating, slowing, stopping,

All in a matter of seconds.

Will the guy behind me stop?

We’re at a stop light,

So I start texting my wife back.

She wants to know

Where I am at all times,

And what I’m doing.

I forgot to text her

Before I left work early,

And I also need to tell her why.

I often look up to check the light,

Just in case the guy behind me

Sees it change before I do,

And gets impatient that I don’t take off

At light speed as soon as it changes.

Will he honk his horn,

Or, worse, will he step on the gas pedal

Before I do?

I don’t want to be the unwilling

Participant of road rage, right now.

I hurry up, all the while,

Filling up with anxiety

About what might happen.

This is a regular occurrence for me,

A risky one, I know,

Even if I only do it when (I hope)

The traffic is stopped.

Maybe I shouldn’t.

Then again, how risky is it

Not to return my wife’s texts

As soon as possible?

The quantum gravity

Of that mass is about

As heavy as it gets,

For this husband!

Being Vessels

Meager messages belittle life,

Underestimate the power of truth,

Insult the potential of creativity.

Are we required to follow

The textual translations

Of the words we read in scripture,

In our creations of art?

Of course not.

We have the freedom

To express ourselves

In whatever ways

Our creativity leads us.

The truths we live by

Will influence everything we do,

And as artists,

This will include our works of art.

In addition,

Truth can be discovered

In a multitude of ways.

Scripture is just one

(To some) obvious way.

Nature, conversation,

And life experience are others.

We have to be open,

All the time,

To whatever way

Truth can be discovered.

And we also have to be open

To whatever way

It passes through us

To others.

As artists, and, really,

As human beings,

We are vessels

For truth, justice and love.

May we be effective vessels

To change the world around us

For the better.

Life, Art, and Truth

Is all good art about happiness,

Light and beauty?

Is it about being positive,

Affirming truth,

And selling a message?

Well, yes and no.

It should, in the end,

Reveal some kind of truth,

But, as human beings,

All we have to do

Is live our lives,

And we reveal truth.

It is built into creation.

It is a building block

Of all life.

Creation is just a creative thing.

Life is truth.

So, just create, feel absolutely free

To go wherever your spirit leads you.

You can’t help but create something

That has some redeeming quality.

How entertaining, successful,

Or profitable it turns out to be,

Is another story.

But don’t worry about that.

Just use the gifts God gives you,

No matter how big or small,

And God will use you, somehow,

Even if it is just to teach you something

About yourself, or someone close to you,

Or, perhaps, something important to you,

Like your life, or your art.

Life is a learning process,

And so is creativity.

They are inseparable from each other.

So,  do your thing,

Whatever it is,

And don’t think about the results,

Too much.

Just think about life.

We can all relate to that.