The Small Comfort of Secrets

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How are you?
Slowly, you answer:
“Fine. How are you?”
Is that all we have
To say to each other?

Sometimes, it seems,
We hide in the small
Comfort of our secrets,
Never daring to shed
A light onto our struggles.

Sometimes, we don’t
Want others to know
How we really feel,
Or what we really think,
About them, or anything else.

We’re afraid to admit
That we have weaknesses,
Afraid to show
All our flaws, our doubts,
Our insecurities.

What’s funny is,
That we all have
Lots of problems and issues.
We all doubt.
We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.

So, is it that we think
We have to be super-human?
Perhaps, all the crazy ads
And beauty magazines
Make us think this.

Perhaps,
When we were raised,
We weren’t permitted
To be human.
We weren’t allowed

To be less than perfect.
We were punished,
Maybe, even constantly,
For sharing our feelings,
For asking for help.

Maybe,
We weren’t encouraged
To think for ourselves.
Maybe,
We weren’t allowed

To doubt, to fear, to cry.
Maybe,
We couldn’t express ourselves.
Maybe,
We weren’t allowed

To be creative,
To experiment,
To just be us.
It is a sad culture,
That does not allow

For children,
Or adults,
With problems.
We need to embrace
Each other’s issues,

To encourage each other
To be honest,
To be sincere,
To come out of the closet,
To be ourselves.

Please,
Tell me the truth.

Searching Beyond

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Must drink holy water.
Must open eyes in wonder.
Must follow special list.
Must remember what I missed.

Do you agree, silently?
Do you see the riddle inside of me?
Do you keep some things to yourself?
So, you put your feelings on the shelf?

Come, and go to the end,
All we know and comprehend.
Capture moments in grief and bliss.
Become all that you dreamed of this.

Let’s detach and rev it up.
Let’s tidy up, then pee in a cup.
Are you well-formed, cute little pup?
Or are you little, sneaky and totally messed up?

Holding hands in a circle, now.
Closing in, they take a vow.
Guess what I have on my mind.
What you seek is what you’ll find.

Being Me

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Enter here, the sign says.
Enter where? I think.
Enter me, or enter you?
Enter him or her?

Be here now,
Is what they say.
Be yourself, they say.
But, I am me,

All of the time.
It is just that
Sometimes I am
Better at it than others.

Sometimes I am me
Being you.
Sometimes I am me
Being him or her or them.

Sometimes I am me
Being it.
Those are the worst times.
When I am being an object,

I am being
The furthest from myself
That I can be,
Even when I’m still me.

Lord,
Help me to not be me,
Being something
Less than human.

Help me to feel,
Sensitively.
Help me to think,
Independently.

Help me to be free
From manipulation
And conformity.
Help me to be true to me.

A Dream Come True

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Here, you find
What you’re looking for.
But, will it be
What you need?

Perhaps, with luck,
It might be
What you have always wanted,
Or, at least, what you thought you did.

Now, it’s here,
And, perhaps, it is not the same
As your fantasy.
It is not what you dreamed about.

Then, what is it?
Is it just a distraction?
A passing phase?
A mistake, even?

We build up our expectations
To the highest of peaks,
Hoping, wishing, yearning…
But when it comes, we realize:

It is only an illusion.

On Our Way There

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Leaving here,
I get to there.
I think about it:
I’m going somewhere.

Somewhere new.
Somewhere clean.
Somewhere happy.
Somewhere free.

Maybe we will all
Go there some day.
Maybe I will see you
Again and say,

I love you.
I really do.
Let’s be friends.
Let’s walk on through.

All this craziness
All around us
Sometimes feels
Like I’ve missed the bus.

All this violence.
All this dying.
Sometimes makes me
Feel like crying.

But I know that one day
It’s got to end.
One day there will be peace.
We will all be friends.

So, let’s make a toast,
To tomorrow, then!
Let’s celebrate
An end to sin!

Let’s go forth
Feeling free!
Let’s be who
God made us to be!

Swath

Simple savvy sorted slip
Angel smorgasbord reality
Rainbow realm absolute
Tangle tangent manger
Tell tall meager temple
Tunic terrible teepee
Envelope reading down
Teach lick rowdy rift
Tube sickle sending orb
Rufus toothless super
Maybe inside sip swords
See moose morphing
Apple stepping starting
Separate same sickly
Started seeds same stick
Stacking roof hit swath

A New Day

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Here, I see,
The end is coming.
My end, your end, the end?
I’m not sure.

It’s coming.
I can feel it.
Or, maybe, it’s not an end,
But a beginning.

Perhaps, both.
Change is scary,
Sometimes.
Really.

Have you been there?
I wager you have,
Many times.
It’s not always fun, is it?

But, sometimes,
Change can set us free.
Change can usher in
New frontiers,

Glorious in scope,
Endless in limitation!
Sometimes,
Change is a great relief!

A difficult time
With a long-sought reprieve.
A painful journey,
Coming to a close.

Today may be hard,
But tomorrow
Always contains a promise
Of possibility.

May we all strive
To remember:
Joy comes in the morning.
Never give up hope!

Stumbling Ahead, Chapter 3

I had, at first, planned to walk downtown, but on second thought, decided to drive. It would be easier, and we wouldn’t have to run into people on the way there. So, I told Michael to get in the car. He didn’t ask questions or argue, for once. On the way there, I decided to try to start up a little conversation with him. “So, Michael, would you still like to go downtown?” “I don’t care,” he said. “Whatever you want to do, Dad.” “How about a movie?” I asked. “That’s fine. I don’t care.” “Would you like to go to a museum?” I suggested. “Whatever,” he said. I could see this was going nowhere, so I decided to try a different tactic.

“Maybe we could just walk around, and if you see something you’d like to do, you can just let me know, okay?” I said. “Okay” he said. I counted that as a small victory, but I decided to lower my expectations for this little adventure. I found a place to park along the road, in front of a bookstore. That gave me an idea. “Do you like to read, Michael?” I asked. “Sometimes,” he said. Sounded like a winner, to me. “Let’s go inside and look around,” I said. “Okay,” he said.

We went in and walked around a little bit. Michael spotted the comic books, so he gravitated towards them. I decided to give him some space , so I went over to the nonfiction section. The owner was sort of watching us, of course. “Anything I can help you with?” he asked. “No, just browsing. Thanks,” I said. I really wasn’t that interested in a book, but I was happy that Michael had found something interesting, hoping it would distract him from his troubles a little bit.

After a few minutes, Michael walked over to me with a comic book in his hand. “Can we get this?” he asked. I knew I still had plenty of money in my wallet, even though I had no idea where it came from, or even if I had a job. “Sure,” I said. Michael handed the book to the cashier, I paid for it, and we headed outside.

Just then, a truck came towards us, honking its horn. It was the ice cream man. He got out of his truck with something in his hand, which he held out to us to take. “Here!” he said, “Push-ups are on me.” “Thanks,” I said. “I just got fired,” he said. “So I’m giving away everything in the truck. Would you like anything else?” “I’ll take an Italian Ice,” Michael said. “Do you have any Big Chew bubble gum?” I asked. “Sure! Be right back.” He got in his truck, then held them out the window. “Here you go,” he said. “Great!” I said. “Thanks again!” “You’re welcome!” he said. “You don’t know of any job openings anywhere, do you?” he asked. “No, sorry. Can’t help you, there. Good luck, though. I hope you find something.” He thanked me, then drove off.

“That was weird,” I said. But it gave me an idea. “Michael, let’s walk down to that café at the end of the block. I want to talk to you about something.” “Okay,” he said. He was too busy eating his ice cream to worry about what I might want to talk to him about. We got to the café, found a table on the sidewalk out front, and sat down. I waited for the server, so we wouldn’t be interrupted. He handed us a menu, but I figured, since we had the ice cream, we’d just get drinks. “Would you like a drink, Michael?” I asked. “I’ll take a Coke,” he said. “I’ll have a beer,” I said. “Red Stripe, if you have it.”

After the server brought our drinks, and left, I said, “Michael, I need to talk to you about a few things. I’m having some trouble remembering things. Do you think you could help me a little bit?” Michael wasn’t phased a bit, yet. “Sure!” he said, and he smiled at me. “I don’t know how to say this, Michael,” I said, “but I can’t remember some things. Some things, I can remember. Other things, I can’t. One thing I am concerned about right now, is my job. I don’t remember anything about it. Do you know if I have a job, Michael?” “You have a job, Dad. You are an assistant manager at the Wells Fargo by our house.” “Yikes,” I thought to myself, “An assistant manager? I’m sure they are wondering where I am.” “Thank you, Michael. I will call them when we get home.”

As Michael and I sat there, I thought about what I might tell my boss. I could use my wife’s death as an excuse for a little while, I guessed, but I probably needed to see a doctor about my memory issues, and maybe get some sort of excuse to be out if the office awhile, at least until I sorted things out a little. I figured I could look to see if I had an address book, and maybe some business cards. Maybe some mail with account numbers on it, so I could take out more money if I needed it. I decided to completely go through my wallet to see if I had debit and/or credit cards, in case I needed those, too. Membership cards would be helpful as well. I was on the right mental track, I thought. “Just hope I don’t forget much anymore,” I thought to myself.