Stumbling along the sidewalk

Waiting
For the storm to subside
Inside my mind.
How it races!

Thought and feelings
All jumbled up together,
Pulling me this way and that.
Depression and mania together.

They call it a mixed episode.
Truth is,
I’m scared.
My poetry book is coming out soon.

What will you think?
How will I measure up?
Will I cross a line?
Will you dump me in a second?

I know intellectually
That there is really
Nothing to be too concerned about,
But it still terrifies me.

Who’s to say,
What is right?
Who’s to say,
What is wrong?

If God really said
What is in the Bible,
Why doesn’t everyone
Follow it?

Think about it.
If a pillar of fire and smoke
Followed you through the desert
For forty days,

Wouldn’t you be afraid of God?
Wouldn’t you want to please him?
Are we so stubborn that we don’t get that?
Are we really like dumb sheep,

As it says in the Bible?
Moses had a burning bush (we think).
Moses saw miracle upon miracle.
It fits, that we should get the message from him.

But why doesn’t God do miracles anymore?
The disciples performed miracles,
So, don’t tell me it stopped with Jesus,
Since he was the Messiah.

Perhaps,
The reason we don’t believe
Is because none of those miracles
Ever happened.

What are we left with?
A bunch of laws,
Many of which are so archaic,
That even practicing Jews don’t obey them;

Crazy preachers full of hot air;
An ex-killer with delusions of grandiose;
A paranoid schizophrenic who
Believed the world was coming to an end.

It’s a sad story, really.

What is the truth?
Why is it so hard to believe?
If God is omnipotent,
Why doesn’t he do something

Impressive,
So we can lay these rumors to rest?
Wouldn’t it be cool if Jesus beamed down
For a talk with the president?

If God wants us to take back America
For Jesus,
Why doesn’t he come down here
And open a can of whoop-ass?

If we’re going to do it,
Let’s do it right!

(I’m kidding, of course.
Don’t go out and kill anybody, okay?)

Have you any idea
What the future holds?
No more than I do, I fear.
And I don’t know much.

Life is a mystery.
An endless riddle.
Moment to moment,
Anything can happen.

When we least expect it,
BAM! Life hits us in the stomach,
Knocking all the air out of us,
Perhaps bringing us to tears.

How strong are you?
You don’t know, until it’s too late.
Life will throw you a curve,
That you didn’t expect.

Or, maybe, if you’re lucky,
You will be ready.
Either way,
Don’t hold your breath,

When you wait for easy answers,
Or for your ship to come in.
You won’t win the lottery,
No matter how much you spend.

Life obeys the law
Of diminishing returns:
If you expect a return,
It will diminish!

So, join me on this
Roller coaster express.
Hold on tight.
It gets a little bumpy.

Misery loves company,
Is what they say.
Then, I guess I am ready
For a party.

Fears and worries
Cloud my mind.
Terror runs
Down my spine.

Maybe I should stop
Being myself.
Maybe I should try
To be someone else.

Maybe I should wear a mask.
Maybe I should lie.
Maybe I should try
To be a better person.

But I do try,
And I fail.
I always find myself
Right back where I started.

Same old me,
With all my quirks and flaws,
All my hang-ups and obsessions.
I can only be who I am.

God made me this way,
So he must have had
Something special,
Something different,

Perhaps,
Something twisted, in mind.
Can God be twisted?
Some think so.

Either way, I think
He can use me,
No matter how twisted
I am.

Leaving from my current mindset,
I explore other worlds in time and space.
Running from the threat of judgment,
Hoping for a better day.

When I inch out onto the edge,
And I peer down into the valley,
Echoes of screams and thunder
Penetrate my sound barrier.

Risks are risks, no matter the kind.
When you try something new,
Or revisit something old,
That has laid dormant for too long,

There is a price to be paid.
The know-it-alls and criticizers
Hover around the easy kill,
Someone new to feed on.

I know when I write
That there are those
That will think otherwise.
They will think of themselves

As better than me.
No, that can’t be said!
You have broken the rules, they’ll cry.
But I cannot be silent.

I must speak my truth,
The way I see it,
And the way I feel it,
For truth is its own virtue.

Naming things brings
Peace to my heart.
Claiming people
Pushes them apart.

Do you dare,
And do you dare?
Pushing people
Into boxes

Causes trouble
For the bourgeoisie.
Claiming I’m from Texas
Wouldn’t be honesty.

Let us make a plan.
Something carefree!
Let us kick the man
To the curb, icily.

Let’s have fun!
Let’s make a pun.
Let’s go far!
Let’s be who we are.

Do you understand
What I contemplate?
Do you dream at night
Of what could be your fate?

We are a team,
You and me.
We tip the servers,
Gracefully.

We give a clue
To the angel crowd.
We cheer for you!
We yell really loud!

“So, what is the point?”
You ask.
Take a swig
Out of my glass.

I will tell you plain,
If you do the same.
Run to me right now.
Then I’ll tell you how.

Hello, I am happy.
Well, maybe not.
I wonder,
What would it take?

Dreams come and go,
But sometimes one is special.
Sometimes you hold onto that dream
For a long, long time.

What would it take?
Since I am a dreamer,
There have been many
Over the years.

Back in high school,
I wanted to be a diplomat,
A peacemaker between nations.
Now I speak of peace to my readers.

In college,
I had several crazy ideas.
Everything from being a lead singer
Of a rock band (that started in high school, actually),

To teaching students how to write.
Now I teach by example,
Writing on a computer,
Sending my words into the infinite destination

Of the internet.
Perhaps, it will last,
And perhaps,
It will fade away, like most things.

More recently,
I dreamed of getting published.
Now, that, too,
Has come to fruition.

Even in the antiquated realm
Of the printed book.
A group anthology,
And soon, my own.

Here’s hoping for success!

Deaf ears don’t hear
The cries of the needy.
Proud minds judge harshly
The broken souls in our midst.

Do you know
What God is whispering?
Love.
That’s it.

That’s all you need to know.
Visit the suffering.
Feed the hungry.
Give to the poor.

Follow in the gentle footsteps
Of the Son of Man.
Help those around you
Who need it.

Be merciful.
Forgive those who hurt you.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive God, if you blame him.

Let us all be kind to each other.
Let’s create a peaceful world.
Jesus did not tell us
To turn the other cheek

Because it is weak.
Turning the other cheek
Takes great inner strength.
Loving your enemy

Takes a very strong person,
Someone who is filled with
The Holy Spirit.
Not many can do it.

Pray hard.
Love with all your heart.
Give good gifts.
Be the person God created you to be.

Bursting forth with soliloquies
Seems to be my Hamlet-esque style.
To try to connect:
The poet’s thorn in his flesh.

To comment, to instigate,
To rouse the troops,
To seek to inspire, to grieve,
To challenge, and, yes, to complain.

These things I am good at.
Always have been.
I’m a dreamer.
For some reason,

This is how God has blessed me.
Sometimes it seems like a curse.
(And not just for me, as many
Of my family and friends can attest!)

I like what I write.
I like my thoughts, my feelings,
My ideas, my dreams.
I hope that, at least once,

I can say something
That makes someone feel
A little better,
A little less alone,

And a little more
Like they matter,
That what they think,
And what they feel,

Are important.
Yes, I am speaking to you,
And you, and you…
Let’s be friends, okay?