Category: Essay

Have you ever thought about how weird it is, to trust God? I believe (most of the time) that God is there, but I worry often, probably a lot. It is like I trust and doubt at the same time. It is also weird, how so many of us worry so much, as if it helps anything. If I took action in a productive, healthy manner, half as much as I worry, I would be so much better off.

But back to God. Trusting God is a strange thing, because, what if God doesn’t exist? What if we’re wrong? What if I’m placing my trust in an illusion, a delusion? How much of an investment should I place in my faith, and how much, in more practical problem solving? Is God the answer to everything? Some people refuse medical care, trusting that God will save them, heal them. Is that possible? Most of the time, it seems those people die. That doesn’t say much for faith, or for God. But, maybe God also expects us to think for ourselves, use our capacity for reason and solving problems.

But what about when that seems impossible, when we are desperate, anxious, scared? What do we do? Some would say to pray about it. Some would say to seek counsel, wise counsel. Some would say to do both. Trusting is challenging for me. I’m not sure why. I know that growing up, sometimes things were difficult for me and other members of my family. My parents got divorced, and my mom was depressed a lot. She was overwhelmed with her problems, and didn’t have much energy to dedicate to me and my brother. My brother and I fought all the time, hard. I was older, and stronger, and he bore the brunt of that reality. Years later, I still feel very sad about that time in my life, the things that happened, and the things that didn’t happen. And now I wonder how that time affected me and my brother mentally. And, especially now that I know I have a mental illness, I suspect that others did too, and that some still do. How widespread, I’m not sure. How far back it goes, not sure either. Could be very far, and very widespread. I suspect that many families that encounter as many problems as my family has, also encounter mental illness.

And, speaking of mental illness, what if religious faith is a mental illness? What if it is a kind of social, mental, psychological disconnect, maybe even a serious delusion? That is scary to think about, especially for those of us who take great comfort in our faith, especially in times of fear and doubt. Again, what if there is no divine being, no Creator of the Universe, no protective Father, taking good care of his children? Many of us who believe would be completely at a loss if that was taken away, and sometimes, in times of fear and doubt, it momentarily disappears, until we mentally, emotionally, reach for it, for Him, Her. After all, none of us want to be overwhelmed, none of us want to be alone. But I do still wonder, what if God is just Santa Claus for adults? It’s scary to consider, really.

How do you explain the unexplainable? How do I describe how something can be so true to me, even while it is a lie to you? Or perhaps, how something that seems so real to me at one time, years later can be a lie to even myself? Beliefs are a crazy thing, but doubts can be just as crazy, really. To one person, they both can seem very rational, but to another person, or even that same person, years later, they both can seem completely irrational.

Skeptics, of which I am one, can be very angry, or they can have a great sense of peace. Believers, of which I am one, can be very angry, or they can have a great sense of peace. I have a mix of both, like everyone else. Many things, I can be quite angry about, while others, I have a great peace about. On some days, even some parts of a particular day, I can be quite angry. And on other days, or other parts of another day, I can have a great sense of peace. Like some of my writings (not this one), my life is a collage of sorts. It is a mix of very different things, that when presented together, present a complex picture of a complex existence, which is how everyone is. No one can be summed up in one word. Everyone you meet is a very complex individual, unique, different from everyone else. Even people who have much in common, and who may present themselves as very similar to those around them, when you really get to know them, you see that they are indeed complex, just because no two people’s lives are exactly the same, and we all have a unique and interesting story to tell.

Although I know that I am as guilty as anyone else at doing it, we all could use to judge each other less for our similarities or differences, and more for our character. Less for our superficial selves, and the superficial categories that we conveniently place each other in, and more for who we are deep down inside. I hope that one day we all will see how knowing each other this deeply takes more than a lifetime. I hope that one day we will accept how impossible it is for any of us to be able to justifiably sit in judgement of another person. Really, think about how hard it is for any of us to know another person that well. Think about how we can still be surprised about someone that we thought we knew so well. We really don’t know how capable each of us is of doing so much evil, or so much good.

Feelings tend to either illuminate or cloud the vision. There doesn’t seem to be much in-between. I sometimes attribute feelings to God, but I have no proof, just an intuition, and possibly personal reasons, based on a theory that God is a personal God and can either read minds or is extremely observant, or both. Also, that God is all-powerful, and can influence all the forces of the universe, when he (or she) wants to. Sometimes when I have strong feelings, I focus better to write. But the cause of those feelings might be quite negative, even tragic. I certainly don’t believe God made bad things happen, just so I could write something good.

I am torn about the Bible, as well as other religious scriptures. Some days they seem more real, and some days they don’t. Some times, especially difficult times, I have my doubts. But eventually I come full circle. I believe that God can speak to us through religious scriptures, but I also believe he can speak to us through other people, other books, personal writings, art, nature and experiences in general.

I believe that the universe was created, is constantly being re-created and is controlled by God. I don’t know why, it’s just how I was raised, what the church taught me, and what I read about in the Bible. For many, that is enough, but to many others, that is wrong. To them, and some times to me, there is much wrong with the Bible, as there is the church. Some think it is just a matter of interpretation, but others think certain parts are just wrong. Still others think we don’t need it at all, so why worry with it? It is just a book to them, like any other, written a long time ago, in another culture far different from ours, and then canonized by old white men, reflecting their unique biases and prejudices.

So far, I left out one (to some) more obvious way of experiencing God. That is prayer. Other than thanksgiving, and prayers for things that I’m sure God supports, because they are virtues that were part of the character of Jesus, I hesitate quite a bit in prayer. I will pray for things like grace, peace, joy, compassion, love, generosity, etc., but I will not pray for material things, conditional things, temporary things, etc. Those are things of this world, and as such, I don’t believe they should be prayed for, except possibly in the most extreme circumstances.

I do thank God for blessings, but I feel uncomfortable about it, because it is very superficial.  Mostly, when something happens that scares the heck out of me, and it is quite clear that I could have been seriously injured, or even killed, I thank him for saving me. I feel stupid doing it, but I have no other thoughts. That’s just what automatically comes to mind. I know it may seem silly, and some just call it luck. I don’t know.

So, I guess I do see an experience of God happening in my life. I can’t prove it, and it is all a very subjective perception. Nothing objective, that can be measured or tested. My perception is based on a good amount of religious conditioning throughout my life. My understanding is sometimes based on the presence or lack of emotions in my body, my readings in the Bible, readings in other books, teachings from others, mostly in the church, art, nature and other experiences. My experience of all those things is based on a very selective “cherry-picking”, if you will. I take what I want, and leave the rest. I don’t know how true it is, but it works for me. It keeps me going. It inspires me, if you will. Maybe one day someone will discover how one can objectively quantify and measure subjective experiences like that. Until then, as long as it works for me, I imagine I will continue doing it.

This month, the poetry group that I belong to in Tallahassee, Florida, Big Bend Poets, has several challenges assigned to them to incorporate into their poetry. One of them is experimental poetry, which, if you’ve followed my blog at all, you know I already do, on a regular basis. I call it, “Unpoetry”. I have already posted a guide to it in the menu for this blog, but I thought I’d revisit the topic a little bit, as I’ve had a few more thoughts about it lately, considering this month’s challenge for my group.

First of all, I am fully aware that this type of poetry that I write is very difficult to understand, at least on face value. What I’ve always hoped, though, is that it is something that can be appreciated by a process of “reading between the lines”, so to speak. Although one of my purposes, one that I try to convey constantly, but sometimes am not completely faithful to, is absurdity.

When I write these poems, usually, I pick my words very carefully, so as to not “connect the dots”, so to speak. I purposely do not want any syntax, any pattern of meaning. Although I do believe there is meaning to be found, if one searches and thinks and analyzes hard enough, I do not keep this possibility in mind as I am writing. In fact, I mostly try to avoid it. Sometimes, I may start with syntax, then break out of it, or vice versa. It is difficult to write, and sometimes, I am just lazy, I’ll admit.

Like most writers, I believe in what I write, even if I do not always have much hope in my heart for most readers to understand and appreciate what I’m writing. What I do hope for, is that every now and then, a person will come along and be able to appreciate it. After all, I think that if I can get something out of writing it, why can’t someone occasionally get something out of reading it?

It is a very narrow road that I tread in writing this stuff, usually, and it is a lonely road. I do not have many peers who do anything similar, at least that I have come across, in my 30 or so years of writing. Possibles might include James Joyce, Samuel Beckett, Gertrude Stein, and some of the surrealist writers that did automatic writing, although my writing is not really automatic (is anyone’s?). So, I continue to write it, use it, depend on it, trust it. I hope some of you enjoy it. Thanks for reading.

There seems to be much hatred brewing, all over the world.  Here in America, we seem more divided than ever before. It seems things are almost at, or even past, the breaking point. Many die in the streets. Many are murdered by law enforcement officers. Many cry out for justice, that seems too long in coming. Many, including myself, are appalled at the decisions that are made in Washington, that don’t seem to represent the people. Republicans are hostile towards everything liberal. Democrats are hostile towards anything conservative. Both parties jump on any chance to stick one to their opponents. The murders in Charleston, and the defense of the rebel flag. Marriage equality, and the battle for religious liberty. ISIS, Al Queda, and all the terrorist attacks. People joke on Facebook about killing other people who have opposing views or lifestyles that differ from theirs. Always, it seems things are coming to a head. If we don’t find some way to soothe all the tensions, I am afraid that our country is going to break out into a civil war. When leaders try to appease one group that is offended, they offend the other group. Is there any way out of this mess? How do we move towards peace? How can we find a middle ground that will work for everyone? Is that even possible? Some think we are moving towards the end of the world. It may be the end of us, at least, if we don’t do something soon.

I have seen a lot of buzz and opinions posted on the internet this week about the historic changes that have happened, and are still coming about in the U.S. I figured I would add my two cents as well, now that I’ve had some time to process it all.

I know that many of my Southern friends are upset about the Confederate flags coming down, but I really think it is a no-brainer, and it should have happened long ago, like at the end of the 19th Century or something. I don’t know if Southern states have been flying them all along or not, but I really think it is a crime against humanity to try to retain anything reminiscent of the Confederacy, except in a museum. You can go there to celebrate your heritage, not parade it around like it was something positive, because for black people, it is a crying shame. It is a symbol of a time when an African people were robbed of everything by the greed of a country that had no shame, of immense cruelty, of stripping them of every right they had, including family, property, and even their name. It’s way past time for us all to appreciate that.

Now, as far as the marriage equality debate, I have to admit, like most people, it has taken me a long time to come around. I think it is only within the last ten years that our culture has really gotten to the point where we understand that two people can love each other, no matter what their sexual orientation. I think most of us grew up with the idea that alternative sexual orientation was a kind of deviancy that was to be avoided at all costs, joked about, teased mercilessly, etc. But I see now that it is not just about sex, but more about gender identity. Most people probably don’t even think about it. But it is an important and necessary distinction to make. Yes, sex is involved in the relationship, I imagine, although, like in heterosexual marriage, that is none of our business. I am still processing it all, too. It is about a committed, sacred relationship. It is about love. Everyone deserves that.

I wanted to say a few words about the Bible, as well. Although, for Fundamentalists, and many Evangelicals,  arguing is like beating your head against a wall, I wanted to try, for those who are on the fence, or, possibly struggling with these issues. The Bible mentions slavery in passing in the New Testament, not sure where else, or of the verse, but I think it is Paul who encourages slaves to obey their masters, and masters to treat their slaves well. Anyone who thinks this is a justification of slavery is fooling themselves. It is a matter of fact statement, relative to only the culture at the time, because slaves were common then. It does not say slavery in itself is right, or that it is good. It was just how things were. The world had not evolved to even consider that question yet, and neither did the Apostle Paul. Just because it is mentioned in the Bible does not mean that culture cannot move on from that point and improve and grow. It’s ridiculous to think that way. If in doubt, see the commands to the people of Israel all over the Old Testament, and specifically in Exodus. Muslims, check the Koran. All the holy scriptures were originally written to apply to a specific time and place, not for everyone, and not for all time.

Lastly, an appeal to more common sense concerning this same issue. The Bible talks a lot about lust. It is all over the place. The main reference in the Book of Romans mentions lust, as well. Is it love that the Bible prohibits, or is it lust? I think that most people, without even checking, can answer that. Lust is dangerous. It gets us into all kinds of trouble. We can all relate to that. We have all been there. But the Bible talks a lot about love, too. Jesus, especially, mentions it over and over. Paul says it a lot, too. You really can’t mount an argument against love. If you can, I would hate to be you. Who would want to argue with love? Marriage Equality is about love, not lust. People don’t want to get married so they can have sex. They want commitment, relationship, support, and equality under the law, with all the rights from the government that come with that. How can you deny them that? Why would you want to? If you have a personal hang up about it, keep it to yourself. That’s your issue. Give people freedom and equality. It is their God-given right. Leave others alone. It’s really none of your business, anyway.

“And every man is, to the Christian, in some sense a brother. Some are actually and visibly members of the Body of Christ. But all men are potentially members of that body, and who can say with certainty that the non-Catholic or the non-Christian is not in some hidden way justified by the indwelling spirit of God and hence, though not visibly and obviously, a true brother ‘in Christ’?”

–Thomas Merton, “Life and Holiness”

“…the true contemplative has no special interest in anybody for their own qualities, whether he is a relation or a stranger, a friend or an enemy. All men seem related to him and nobody is a stranger; all are his friends and none is his enemy. He will go so far as to say that all those who hurt and damage him in this world are his special friends, and he seems inspired to seek their good as zealously as he would the good of his very best friend…”

from Chapter 24, “The Cloud of Unknowing”

For those of you who haven’t heard, two police officers were ambushed this week in their police car and murdered by a black man.

I’m sure some of my white friends and family are chalking this up to one more angry black man taking justice into his own hands and all the persecution towards police lately is to blame. And you probably feel that your anger at blacks is now justified. But you know I’m not going to go for that.

Ask yourself this: Do you honestly think black people break the law anymore than white people? You might look at our courts, jails and prisons, and make that conclusion–but you would be wrong. The reason they are there and whites are not, is simply because they are patrolled, watched, harassed, accused, investigated, prosecuted, charged and convicted more. These things are done, because whites see blacks as the enemy: the thieves, the druggies, the gang members, the murderers and the rapists. The sad thing is, whites do all these things as well, but they usually get away with it, or at least, if they are caught (which is not likely, since they are not as vulnerable as blacks to surveillance, and in many cases, harassment), they are not charged (whites get warnings much more than blacks); if they are charged, and especially if they are a police officer, their case is dismissed before even being able to present evidence; if they are tried, they are not convicted; if they are convicted, they are given a much lighter sentence, and rarely prison time, even if their crime was the same crime for which a black man is imprisoned, or even executed.

Another difference, when something like this happens, white people get justice. Their cries are heard. These fallen officers will be honored, and their killer, if he lives, will receive the harshest penalty imaginable. This is because they are white, they are police officers (who can do no wrong, apparently), and he is black, one more criminal to punish, and, worse, a black man that didn’t keep in his place. Only fifty years ago, he would be tortured and lynched, and today they’ll do whatever is in their power to punish him with impunity, making sure this black man, and all black men like him, know their place, and who really holds the power in this country.

You can complain all you want about protests, riots, blog posts, Facebook rants, whatever. But this issue is here to stay, until blacks are treated with the dignity and respect they deserve. They will continue to demand it, and there will continue to be more bloodshed on both sides, until whites take responsibility for their actions towards all oppressed people, all around the world.