More Than Usual

I don’t feel normal, at the moment,

Not sure if I ever have, it seems,
But not normal for me, anyway.

I’m tilting, off center, more than usual.
Everything, more than usual.

More elated, more depressed,

More scared, more sad.

More overwhelmed, if there is such.
I have help near me,

In the bed with me, at the moment,

My spouse, my mate, my caregiver.

So cold that seems, I know.
But I’m trying to keep

As much distance from my feelings

As I can, for fear of breaking,

Under the strain. A strategy, at least.
A possible plan exists,

Plan A, with sub plans 1 and 2.

Plan B, with the same.

Trying to stay logical, a chore.
So, will I make it?

I have commitments,

Some more important than others.

How will I fulfill them?
What if worse comes to worse,

And I am environmentally incapacitated,

So to speak. What then, I plead?

What of my mate, my lovely, innocent,
Sweet, but somewhat dependent mate?

Who will assist her? We have friends,

A few. There is always family, not far,
Too far, anyway. She asked me,

Should I ask them to come?

I said, not yet, later, when I’m gone.

Extras throw variables into the equation,
Drama I’m not prepared to deal with,

Right now. Keep it simple, please,

That’s what I always want, just simple.

I have enough variables in my own body,

For God’s sake. I’m a logarithm unto myself.

So she stays with me, keeps distracting,
She does her best. No social media,

She orders. Delete it. Take it off your phone.

It’s a disaster waiting to happen,

She claims, but I know she’s right.
I might have to disappear for a while,

Remove myself from normal contact,

For the most part. I hate it. I hate it all.

I hate life right now, not her, though,
Though I do get stressed, from all

The checking, the instructions,

The alarms, the constant reminders.

It gets old, after a while.
But that’s the least of my problems,

The very least. I’m not too worried.

I’m safe, for the most part.

I’m safe, you can be sure.
Though on the verge of tears,

Every other moment,

I am in control, at least,

I tell myself that, and she agrees.
We both have doubts,

As to how long that will last.

It’s a scary territory to be in,

You understand. You must understand,
If I am to continue. Let’s be partners,

For now, like my spouse and me,

We’re a team, an old team,

We know how each other works,
We know the strengths we can lean on,

The weaknesses to look for,

The buttons to push, and not.

Most efficient. Most reliable, so forth.
So, now that I’ve been vague,

I’ll keep it up, it works, right now.

Crisis mode, on alert for anything,

Everything more, all but more.